Our design...

Like a design we are all unified... together we make up are world today... it would be nice if we acted that way for once in a while though... We strive to be someone unique and special. Our minds play tricks on us to make us think that we are different, in a way we are all different, but lets not forget how gestalt God created us to be...

today was a hard day... and it was the people i see everyday at my school and in my classes that drove me crazy... sorry for the ramblings, i just have these random thoughts that need to come out of my head and onto this blog, thus making me feel 100% better about this stupid day  :)  logging off now...

thanks for listening,
Carrie Lee

instead of "save the planet" maybe we should be spreading the words "save your money".

So... i am in this science class... it makes me sad a lot because i have to read about things that are wrong with our environment and the people in it... it makes me want to go door to door and ask everyone what the hell their problem is! but unfortunately it would solve absolutely nothing unless i had a time machine to go back and change the way people lived and treated this world... not that i practice what i preach, well i do, but not to the full extent that i want to or should - soon one day i will be though...

Honestly, people, does it have to be spelled out to you... i understand that big words and annoying debates about this are thrown around the news and t.v. and such all the time, but its not about how we term it - When in fact it is the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we eat and so on... it has everything to do with us and our children and our children's children!  and well, if its the ideas of it that you don't like or take interest in, then make them interesting for you, create new ideas and pass them on... that is how it works - not by sitting around pushing the blame around and then doing nothing about something that needs desperate attention in our world!

Perhaps a great deal of people don't care that much about the environment because they know someday God is going to destroy it and create a new earth. Would you sacrifice time, money or comfort building a house if you knew no one was ever going to use it?
Perhaps people find that life is difficult enough without having to worry about the planet.

However, there is another good reason why people should buy eco friendly and live eco friendly.. if you don't care about the earth, then why not just do it to save money...
Eco friendly and money saving often go hand-in-hand and one of the best ways of trying to reduce household expenditure is to think eco.
One big bill you could save on is your heating bill.  By buying eco products like radiator panels, reflective foil and automatic radiator valves you can boost the heating systems in your home and reduce your heating expenditure to.
And the same goes for other areas of life too. If you drive an efficient car in an efficient manner not only will you be producing less pollution but your petrol or diesel in the tank will last longer.
Also there are lots of other areas with eco friendly solution that not only cuts down on carbon emissions but also saves money, like solar powered chargers...
So instead of "save the planet" maybe we should be spreading the words "save your money". think about it.

Anything is possible - but what is the right thing to do?

Most people don't really have to think about adoption in a way that matters to them.  Usually they think about kids who get adopted, or they think about the women who choose abortion over giving there baby up for adoption or vise verse.. either way, I've never heard anyone ask questions about or talk about adoption in any other way... i am...

Since i don't trust doctors anymore or random people with something this important to me - I'm enlisting you, my readers and friends, if that happens to be anyone at all...  I have exhausted any and all of my inner most thoughts and feeling on this and i need advise...

So, if you don't know yet, some of you do, i have the ability to just always have something wrong with me, its annoying really.  It seems like my body just hasn't been working right in more than one way, and as of lately i have been re-assured by my doctor that i can't have babies... so, my problem is that i can't sleep, think or do anything until i figure out what to do now... Though i can't have babies, my doctor says there is a possible surgery that i can do and then maybe i could have a baby, but with that still comes all of the risks that would be and are there before the surgery.  So by having the surgery my chances of being able to have a baby go from 0% to about maybe at most 1% is how i am looking at it... because it is 100% uncertain if i will be able to have a baby after surgery it makes me feel like i would be putting myself through it all for pretty much nothing... so, would that then make me selfish if i did not want to put myself through the surgery? would that make me some awful person for not taking every chance i have at having a baby?

Sometimes i feel like if i did not have the surgery then that makes me a bad person.. since i am a women and am suppose to make babies and all that good stuff, i feel like i am worthless and unable to do my job... if that makes sense... but at the same time i feel like going the route of adoption would be a good thing.. i mean, there are babies out there that need adopted, and i would be able to and that would be awesome... but is that the easy way out of my problem?

now, on a more complicated note... more feelings of being stupid come out when i consider what God would want me to do... i kind of feel like God would want me to try no matter what... what do you think?
 and on top of that, i am getting married this year and will be done with school the year after, somewhere soon in the future me and my fiance have decided we want to have kids.. so if i have the surgery and when we start to try to have a baby, then what if the surgery was just pointless and i have a ton of miscarriages while trying to have a baby! what then?! i can't imagine doing that, who would want to go through that just to have a baby?  so with all of that said, and with how you feel and think would be a good path to take, what do you think?

My Herstory

Here is a little history about Carrie Lee, just so that we are all on the same page here... 
Lately i have been missing how i use to blog and write a lot.  Since about 2 years ago, i had given up things i like to do - and now i do nothing i like... i know, sounds lame right, but the truth is, either I'm to busy or i am to depressed - hence my lack of friends lately, i may as well have moved to the north pole...
I use to think it was them and not me, but i was wrong, it was so me... i pulled away from everyone - and sure maybe I'm not meant to have those friends and they are all wrong for me, or, I'm just learning how to be me - without the heavy influence from my friends... a few years ago, if any one of my friends said to jump off of a building with them, i would! (a little exaggeration... just a little)

 also lately, i have been looking back on my life so far, my accomplishments (or lack of in most cases), my friends, my life, attitudes, interests, likes, dislikes, family, schooling, ect... its makes me feel stuck...

I feel like this is me and i will never change, and that scares me.. not that i consider myself in need of changing, but i just thought that i would.. i mean, by 25 i thought i would be married, have a family and a good job and just be living a normal life, doing things i should be doing... but i find myself still back in school, and about to get married, which i am happy about and i feel lucky and blessed - i just... well, i guess i just dont understand exactly why i feel these things about myself, i just do....

i don't regret my past - i have loved, learned, hurt, lost, gained, trusted, hoped and struggled - but i wish i could have done it somewhat a little differently... because now, I'm apparently feeling stuck and being left behind - i mean, everyone i know, all my family and friends, have new better and more interesting fuller lives, and i don't feel like i fit in with all of that... i feel like i have to become someone I'm not, which is hard for me to accept, but at the same time i do feel like i need to be different, or at least i am craving that... Grrrr, i don't know!